OK so I’m lying, but what I m going to do today is things a guy should do before going on a date and no do during a date and tomorrow I ll do the same thing for girls. So let’s get into it.

So you ve managed to finally convince that super hot girl (I’m straight so the date I would be going on would be with a girl…same things apply if your gay) that you ve wanted to sleep with for years to go on a date with you, there is a few things you got to do before going on this dream date and also what not to do while you re on this date guys. So here we go..


Have a wanker!!!

This should go without saying guys, you don’t want to be going out with a loaded weapond. Also it will stop you getting a budon at the table because you ll have a clear mind and when you are talking to the girl, it ll be to her face and not her chest.

Trim down there.

Dear jasus this should go without saying. Let’s say there by some miracle  you manage to convince the hottie to come back to your little bed….you re going to try and get her to go down there ( we re guys…just admit it your going to try) for fuck sake if she can’t find you’re Willy in the forest down there ….well no joy. Also she ll know you ain’t had sex in ages if it’s like a fucking fur bush down there….so fetch the strimmer 

Wash your dick.

Would you for God sake guys wash your Willy!!!! First off you gotta take care of the auld chap for health reasons ( if you re circumcised it’s easier for you but if like me your  not you gotta pull back the fore skin and clean yourself….so many guys don’t know this) and another reason for doing this is  if your dick smells like a dead goat….can you blame the girl for wanting to cuddle and she makes sure her clothes stay on because she ll think ” That’s not going anywhere near me” plus she ll burn her clothes when she gets home and tell all her friends you’re willy stinks….so your fucked

Wash yourself!!!!

This is a no brained guys, have a shit, shower and a shave ( in any order you want). Use the shower gel, use the products….there is no such thing as you smell to good. Other guys will say “used a bit too much lynx there boy”…fuck him your going on a date….he will be playing pam  and the 5 sisters for the night.

Clean the backseat of the car.

You never know

Buy condoms. 

Seriously you need condoms….first you don’t want to be naked in the bed with her and she askes ” condom?” And you ve this stupid look on you face and well she gets off you and goes to sleep. Also guys you have no idea where this girl has been….she could be into gang bangs and shagged 300 Spartans the night before. Look just buy the fucking things ok!!!

Dress well.

If you can send a picture of what your planning to wear on the date to a female friend and ask her what she thinks. Just because you paid a fortune for that shirt you love don’t mean you look good in it. Also you don’t want her first reaction to be…” oh holy jesus…wtf is that….please don’t sit down please don’t sit down please don’t sit down”

So your ready to go on you re dream date and work you re magic on the hottie….but the above is only half of it….now you gotta make her like you and not think you re just another asshole.

Things not to do on date!!!

Play with your phone.

For fuck sake your on a date and if you start playing candy crush and laughing to yourself….she’s just going to think you re a fucking tool and she d be right. Talk to the girl dumbass!!

Get hammered drunk.

Guys if your going to drink like a fish and think your the man I ll tell you what is really happening. First off you sound like a muppet  and are talking shit….there is a good chance that at some stage during the night you ll vomit on her plus she ll know you re a piss head and can’t do a thing without drink. So just  take it handy guys.

Chat up the waitress.

This should go without saying…..the waitress is going to be lovely to you because she wants a big  tip from you ( plus if she likes you she ll try to fuck up your date….don’t ask why…they re women) and if you re stupid enough to think ” she must love me ” …you re a tool. Besides why the fuck are you on the date if you re going to chat up the staff….who do you think you are …Bill Clinton!!!!

Talk about yourself all night.

Don’t be an asshole and start saying how great you are or stuff you do until she asks. Be interested in her….there is loads of time later to tell her bout your great life

Talk bout you re ex.

Why do I need to explain this. You ex is your ex and she is probably shagging you re best friend at this moment or is going down on a guy she don’t even know….so why talk bout her all night. You ve bust you re ass to get this girl to go out with you and you make her listen about how great you re ex is. If it helps think of me shagging your ex with her knickers on her head and I’m slapping that ass screaming ” who’s  batman baby….who’s  batman”…..that thought alone should make you not want to talk bout her

If all goes well you might get her back to your little bed and get you re groove on….best of luck guys….tomorrow we do the same tips for girls.

So until tomorrow guys and gals….remember don’t be like Bill Clinton…

Love you all guys and gals…

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