HOW TO SCORE WITH JOHNNY DEPP!!!!

OK so I’m lying again, all you need to score with Johnny Depp is an iPhone. So as yesterday’s list was for the guys on first dates…..this for the girls.

I know nothing about women getting ready to go out, I ve had a lot of girlfriends and each one was more bat shit crazy than the last for getting ready to go out….so here a few tips if you want to keep the guy you meeting girls ( in my opinion)

Before the date

First girls….trim, there no bigger turn off than finding a jungle down there ( you never know girl you might bring him back) fuck it  i can’t even think bout this it gives me the creeps

I have no idea what the first thing is but if you think I’m shagging a girl who wears  that well you are insane. Same with crotchless knickers….girls these just spell tramp in a guys mind because the only girl I knew who wore these was because she didn’t want to look for her knickers in the morning.

Matching underwear and guy is yours.

OK this is simple …..if you dress like a 3am girl…the guy will think you are a 3am girl. Save the sexy clothes till second date. The guy will be more freaked out about his clothes than yours anyway.

For the love of God don’t put on the make up with a spray painter. This brings back nightmares

During the date. (Things not to do)

Phones phones phones…..how many times I gotta tell both guys and girls….if you are on a date don’t fucking play with your phone

Girls if you get pissed drunk on the date chances are you ll end up in the guys bed. Now I don’t know what you want from the date but seeing as it a date I’m guessing a relationship…..so don’t skull shots at the table. I don’t date drunk girls if I’m on a date and girl gets pissed I just drop her home….delete number

Flirt with every guy in the bar

Girls if you constantly talk about sex and how it was with your ex the above pic is what I ll be thinking. I ve  been on dates where girls  had no views on anything but told me she likes to eat crisps out of  a guys arse….enough said

Sex on first date…..it happens but most guys won’t call you back because I don’t. If you like the guy hang on a while and guy will be begging you for it

It comes down to what you want girls, us guys are stupid. If you dress and act like a tramp we re going to think you are ( I’m not saying you are) if you are down to earth and real you ll have  the right guy eating out of you hand. If you want a one night thing then go for it….you want more well it takes more work….us guys are pretty dim so use your super woman power over men  and do what thou wilt 

So until tomorrow guys and gals…..don’t go on a date with Bill Clinton girls..

Love you all guys and gals…

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